Choices and Reflections

New York is a fairly incredible city. Whatever it is you want, you can find it. I wrote a review of a burlesque show a few weeks back. That was a Thursday night. A Thursday. In my home town you'd be lucky to find that on a Friday or Saturday. Things stay open late here. Some things never close. Bars are required to make last call at 4:00am, HOWEVER, there are licensed 'after hours' bars that open at Midnight and stay open until 11:00am, from which you can continue to drink at a regular bar.  If you so desire.

I'm almost 30. I do not have that desire. But it's nice to know that I have that choice.

Choices.

We make them every day.

Yesterday I was walking in the West Village.  I had heard about a new Nerdy shop, and while I can do my nerdy shopping in the nerdiest way possible (here on the Internet), I decided to break character and leave the house.

Due to its street layout the West Village is one of the more interesting neighborhoods in Manhattan. When the rest of the city was being organized into the grid system, the West Village had an outbreak of Cholera. The entire neighborhood was quarantined. So it never got its streets straightened. They come and go at awkward angles. They intersect strangely. Sometimes three roads converge onto one another and become one road. It doesn't make much sense, but it is incredibly charming. It has a bit of magic in it.

Anyways, I was making my way from the Christopher Street 1 train stop. I looked up the direction online, wrote them down, then promptly left them at home. I had a general idea of where I was going, and since I still haven't upgraded to an "intelligent phone" I relied on my own intuition. This is not abnormal for me. I have a 'general idea' of where I'm going all the time, and most of the time I get to where I'm trying to go.  Not this time.

I took a wrong turn somewhere along the way. The West Village may be unique to the rest of NYC, but the side streets almost all look the same. Beautiful store fronts here, a sex shop there, tons of rainbow flags, and beautiful architecture. While passing the brownstones I notice an old woman sitting outside of her shop, as I get closer she turns and looks me in the eye,

 'Come in.' she says in a voice that sounds like birdsong and sandpaper, 'we have what you are looking for.'

'I don't think so, thanks anyway.' I reply.

'No need to think, I know, you will see.'

The window was dark, and old. Very old. The lettering was cracked and faded. So much so that I could not read it. A ghost of what it once was. It also had silvered edges that were tarnished and stained. Beyond I could see taxidermy and copper tubing. What could this place be? Some sort of Steampunk retro shop of amazing? Perhaps it is worth a look.

Upon entering I'm greeted by the smell of old dust. Like my grandfathers basement. Everything is well placed, but in desperate need of some elbow grease. Out of the corner of my eye I see a stuffed crow. It stares at me with its lifelike eyes. I feel the odd sensation of being watched.

'Come with me, you must see.'

I jump.

'Sorry I startled you, come.'

The new voice belongs to a brittle old man. He could be in his 80s or possibly 90s. Age is hard to determine when everything is lit by oil lanterns. You would think those would be illegal now.

The dark wood floors creak as I walk across them. The counter was of a beautiful wood.

'Is that Chestnut?!' I asked, astonished.

'Yes,' the old man slurs with his thick accent, 'strong trees, grow very tall.'

Where was that accent from? Romania? I'm bad with Eastern European dialects, I can never place them.

'Well, they did one hundred years ago. . .' I begin.

'Yes, large trees, come. Look.'

The room is hazy. The light beams are visible through the air, but they do seem to be slanted in the wrong direction for this time of day. It's probably nothing. I just got turned around outside is all.

He leads me to the back of the shop and points toward a large oval standing mirror. It has clawed feet that are intricately carved.  They could be crow talons? The wood is dark, almost black, but so old that the stain has settled deep into the heart of the grain. Something is very different about this mirror. It is crystal clear. There is not a stain or a speck of dust. While everything else in this shop is tarnished, the mirror is pristine. The old man slips from my view and I gaze upon my reflection.

I see myself. I definitely need to start working out again. I'm also going to miss my hair when it leaves me completely, but I'm okay with that. My head cocks to the side.

Wait. I didn't move.

I look myself in the eye.

I see a woman with short dark hair and sun kissed skin laying on a bathroom floor sobbing. My heart breaks. I want to reach out to her.

I see an infant laying still at the bottom of a staircase. A little girl with curly brown pigtails tentatively looks on from the top of the stairs.

I see a little boy beside the road, a pickup speeding away in the distance.

I see a car wreck. It looks bad. Emergency service is making their way through the heavy rain.  It's too late I think.  No one is moving in that big blue conversion van.

I see a teenager. His wrists are covered with heavy scars. The rifle is still smoking while it lays awkwardly between his legs. It's messy. There is a note on the bed. It only says, 'Sorry, I couldn't take it anymore.'

I see a depressed young man. He's heading off to a job that he hates as all the friends he grew up with leave town to go to College. He's happy for them, but doesn't see a future for himself, destined to be forgotten.

I see a college kid. Defiantly throwing papers in the face of an administrator as he walks from an ancient college building. 'Fuck you and fuck this school.' he yells. He's obviously trying to keep it together, but as he walks to his car the tears begin to stream down his face. What is he going to do, he thinks, I'm ashamed of what I've done, and I'll never be able to look anyone in the face ever again. He opens the door to his blue muscle car, looks around for one last time. Then drives away never to be seen again.

I see an overweight young man. He smiles at his wife and kids. She really wanted them. He drives to his job, dreaming of better things. He wishes he would have given his dreams a chance, but they're far gone now. He has responsibilities. Things are okay, but he is full of regret.

I see a strung out bartender. He's hurting. He's unhealthy skinny. A man walks up to the bar. He says a few words, the bartender nods excitedly. They meet out in the alley. The bartender pulls out a wad of cash that he stole from the register. The other man pulls out a pistol and takes the money. The bartender suddenly lunges for the man. A shot rings out. The man runs away as the bartender bleeds alone by the garbage.

I see a man who's made up his mind. He's leaving town. He can't take it anymore. It's going to break the heart of the girl who loves him, but he's too much of a coward to tell her that he's leaving. While she's at work he packs up a few things, leaves her some rent money and a letter. She can keep the stuff. He's very sorry. There are tears drying on the note as he leaves the apartment. He takes a cab to JFK and buys the next ticket South.

There is a change in the mirror.

I see a tall, proud man. His eyes look like mine. He grew up always helping his parents in their garden. At the time he didn't like it, but as he got older he gained an appreciation for working with ones hands and the goodness of growing things. He thinks there are probably better ways of doing things than having a sprinkler system installed in a yard, especially when you live next to a cold water creek.

He loves the mountains. He went to UNC. Lived it up. Met a few nice girls, it didn't quite work out, but it was fun while it lasted. He got a degree in Biology, with a preference to Botany. He decides, since a war is being fought, that he will serve his country.

He becomes an Officer in the Army. He is in the Corp of Engineers. The summer of hydroponics work he did at Disney World comes in handy while he teaches various agricultural techniques to Afghanis.  His pet project is a greenhouse in the rough terrain. He gains the support of the local village. It is peaceful and constructive. His superiors commend him for his work. One day a stranger came to visit the greenhouse.

The next day it exploded as he approached for his morning seminar. The children of the village were going to learn that day. Were. The attack is brutal. Being shot is different than he expected. He drags himself to the smoking wreckage that was the greenhouse.  He hears sobbing. He pulls two small bodies with him as he leaves. Hiding them behind an outcropping of rocks, he goes back. Adrenaline and training are at work now. He finds one more live child. Takes him to the others. Sees one of his brothers go down. He rushes to his aid, grabs the fallen side arm and drops the assailant.

This is the first time he has ever taken a life.

 He vomits. Picks up his brother, and hauls him to the others. They are spotted by a jeep and he sees friendly boots as he passes out. Probably from blood loss.

Back home he receives many awards and commendations. He is grateful for the lives that he saved, but full of sorrows for those he could not. When he closes his eyes all he can see is an exploding greenhouse and a man being shot in the throat. He decides his service is up. He waits his time, does as he's told, and is honorably decommissioned. His side still aches from a bullet that should have killed him. He still never sleeps through the night.

Using money he saved and various military grants he goes to grad school. He travels and sees gardens and historic homes around the world. Bringing green life into the world helps him sleep. While meticulously taking notes at the National Botanical Gardens he sees a beautiful woman. Her hair is long and dark. Black like a raven's feather. Her eyes are the brightest blue he's ever seen. She notices him checking her out, and he turns away embarrassed.

She calms him in the night when he wakes up screaming. The nightmares start to go away. They get married. He's a Doctor of Botany and works for an agricultural think tank in Northern Virginia. He and his wife go hiking a lot. He has two boys; Honor and Nobel. When he closes his eyes he rarely sees the man he killed, but the sons which he loves. His neighbors complain when he tills his entire yard. Just wait he says. He has a YouTube channel about gardening and botany. His wife teases him for being internet famous.

The man looks at me with my eyes. I look at him.

'Just touch the mirror, and that will be you.' whispers the sandpaper song of the elderly woman.

'See his happiness, it could be yours.' speaks the old man softly.

'But if I become him, everything that I did differently will not be so. My connections. My happiness.'

'Yes, but look at all he's accomplished.'

I nod, but it isn't even a question. 'He has many things, but not the people who love me.'

'People love him.'

'Not my Love. Even if everything else was wrong. Even if I made every wrong choice. As long as I ended up with her in my life, all the mistakes would have been worth it.  I did not become those shadows I saw when I first looked in the mirror. Those were dark reflections of things that very much could have been. Sad endings. But I'm alive here and now, and I won't have it any other way.'

'You have much wisdom.' nods the old man.

'Only a little, and I only gained that through pain and failure. But it was my pain and my failure.'

The old couple seem smaller.  Maybe smaller isn't the right word. I get the feeling that there is less of them. I turn to leave. Wasn't that crow's head looking the other way? The floor feels stiffer, the light all but gone.  How long have I been here?

'Has anyone ever touched the mirror?'

The old lady's eyes twinkle, whether in amusement or malice I could not say.

'A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.'

I left the curious shop and turned right. After about a block I remembered that I was going to check out another store, but it was getting late and I wanted to get home. 

Strange thing is, I went back to where that shop was today, but couldn't find it. Just a gay bar with a rather friendly looking bouncer. I could have sworn it was this block. Stupid not having a smart phone. I could have looked it up. Guess I'll never see it or that mirror again.   

The City has the habit of swallowing up places that you just happen to find.

blogity: My First Impressions of Dragon Age II

okay, that does look pretty badass

I'm a big fan of the Dragon Age franchise.  It's an excellent setting.  The writers came up with an excellent spin on classic fantasy tropes.

Mages being mistrusted due to an ancient evil magic empire that ruled the continent.  Magic itself being connected to the residences of angels and demons, therefore making it dangerous to the caster and those around them. Both Positive and Negative possession. 

this is a bad possession, in case you couldn't tell

There are conflicting religions, warring nations, philosophical debates, assassinations. . . it is a complete world. Very impressive.

While the Codex and conversations describe the world at large, the game itself takes place in the newly liberated country of Ferelden. It is a land full of problems which also happens to be ground zero for the next Blight, an invasion of Darkspawn which will threaten to take over the entire world.

The first game; Dragon Age: Origins has amazing replayability.  I've done three play throughs now, and I still need to do 4 of the different 'origin stories' from where the game takes its name. Your choice of origin does slightly affect the game, personalizing it, and altering the story.  You do have some major plot point choices which affect the ending of your game, they are sometimes cut and dry "good vs bad" but are most often not so morally clear.

going to see this movie was a bad choice

The semi-sequel Dragon Age: Awakenings also takes place in Ferelden and gives you the option to continue with your original character, or make a new one.  Depending on your choices continuing could make sense or not.  Awakening is not quite long enough to be considered a full game, but is definitely longer than your average DLC.  It is as fun to play as the original and expands on the mythologies and philosophies set up in the previous story.

Dragon Age also brought a variety of DLC on top of Awakenings. Warden's Keep, Stone Prisoner, and Return to Ostagar; that all add extra quests and items to the original game. While Darkspawn Chronicles, Leliana's Song, The Golems of Amgarrak, and Witch Hunt; were separate campaigns from the original. DLC that enhances the original game, but also adds entirely new and separate content is an amazing way to keep your franchise alive. 

Having played all that, I have been looking forward to Dragon Age II.  I am late to the game again, but I don't mind.  Strangely I heard many disappointments about this game.  Even getting as dramatic as saying it "ruins the franchise".  With the Origins, Awakenings, et all being so amazing, nothing can ruin the franchise.  If it was that bad, then I would just forget it existed.  I've done similar things in the past. For example: There was talk about making sequels to The Matrix, and that movie was awesome, but since those sequels fell through, all we can do is imagine how amazing they could have been...  

DO NOT EXIST

Today I've played through what might be the first third of the game.  I think I'm in the "second act".  If this is so, then the shortness of the game is a bit disappointing, but I'll leave that judgment until the end of the game. At first the "auto-attack" was off and the game took a much more active "Diablo" feel to the combat.  This would have been fine, but it was quite distracting to have to constantly hit the buttons, once I found that I could auto attack then I easily adapted the DA:O style game play to this new edition.  I do wish that my character would also auto-run to the next enemy, but I'm getting a hang of that control fairly easily. 

The new graphics engine is quite nice.  The action is smoother, magic more exciting, and setting far more detailed.  I tried making my own character's face, but she looked strange. (yes I'm playing female Hawk, mainly since I just got off of Mass Effect and need to wean myself slowly, you can read those exploits here).  Luckily for me the Black Emporium DlC came with my game, in which there is a magic mirror which lets you reset your looks.  I went with the provided character because she looks  much better than anything with which I could create.  Why is her hair unique? I just wanted that hair to be auburn, but was not allowed to make small tweaks. Strange thing to do for a genre that relies heavily on individual character creation.  Also having a level reset potion at the Emporium was excellent as well.  I respecced my Hawk after a few hours, tailoring her better to my style.  I'm going dual wielding rogue assassin and I deal so much damage at a low level it's silly.

I should be worried, but I'm not.

Picking my team was interesting, but even on normal the game doesn't seem to be all that difficult.  I'm not following classic RPG party builds.  I have two rogues, Hawk and Varric, I run around as Hawk slicing and dicing, while Varric shoots Bianca (yes he named his crossbow, hilarious) for ranged destruction and crowd control.  I'm using Anders at the moment as my healer, mainly out of loyalty of having him in Awakenings, but also because I find Hawk's mage sister to be quite whiney. He also lays down quite a bit of DPS.  I was using Aveline as my sword & shield tank, but the character disapproved of everything I did, and we did not seem to be getting along.  I have not been given another option of sword & shield , so I'm using the badass Lyrium-tatooed Elf Fenris.  He's basically a DPS fighter with some crowd control.

the Internet is a weird place

In D&D this party probably wouldn't work to well.  In DA:O I doubt it would work either.  But in DAII we deal out so much damage that we rarely need to heal and battles are over almost too quickly. Maybe I should pump up the volume, err difficulty, and then I would be required to have some strategy in my battles.  But for now it's incredibly fun, so I'm not really disappointed.

One thing I really like in DA2 vs DA:O is the class spec system. The aesthetic of menu is quite nice. The options "trees" make more sense and add more variables to game play customization than in DA:O.

looks awesome

I could use a little more in terms of gear. DA:O is chalked full of ancient & unique armor and weapons which come with a complete back story, are very powerful, and are also beautiful to behold. I've read that the Weapon Pack DLCs fix this particular problem, but those really should have been included in game to begin with. The fact that I wore the same chest piece until a third of the way through the game is quite silly for an RPG.

I think I'm beginning to understand what people were complaining about when the game first came out. It doesn't quite have that sense of Epic. The world is not on the line. Hawk's story is fun, it's great to be back on Thedas (the continent in which Ferelden lies), but, at least so far, it's completely self centered on Hawk.  The fate of the free peoples are not on the line. 

This is what DA:O, Mass Effect, Star Wars, and The Lord of the Rings all have in common.  If the hero fails, then the world ends.  It's bad for everyone. DA2 is following the rise of a hero, but it feels like if she just decided to buy a farm and settle down, nothing would change and it wouldn't really matter.

or something like that

The frame tale aspect of Varric being questioned by a Seeker (much like an Inquisitor from the Spanish Inquisition) is interesting.  It's making me wonder where the story is going, and perhaps the epic level of the story is going to make itself apparent later on.  This could just be a device of the writers.  Instead of setting up the "end of the world" aspect from the beginning, giving a sense of urgency and drama to the story, but also repeating the narrative drive of DA:O; the writers and producers wanted to do something different.  I can respect that.  You don't want to make the same game over and over again. I mean, it works for Mario and Zelda, but it may not work for everything. Also the Dragon Age franchise is a bit more involved, has a deeper story, and is targeted at a more sophisticated audience than Nintendo's golden children. 

Another issue that probably bothers fans of DA:O is that there is a huge lack of choice. You are always going to be Hawk. You aren't going to be a different race and get a different beginning. The class & gender you pick do affect some minor details, but nothing extreme. And throughout the game there are far less story choices to be made.  It's a much more streamlined narrative and less "sandboxy" than DA:O. Which is strange to say since DA:O isn't a sandbox at all compared to Skyrim or Fallout, but compared to DA2 it is kind of a sandbox RPG.

                                                                                                                                                          

So my first impressions are that DA:O is a superior game, but I'm very happy with the game play of DA2, the visuals, and the new setting.  It basically feels like another campaign from DA:O like Awakenings or Witch Hunt, but is instead a whole new game.  It is quite possible that it was originally designed to be a campaign DLC but Bioware decided that they wanted to use a new graphics engine (good choice, the game is beautiful) and so they expanded DA2 into being a completely new game.

I'm excited to play through the story, but it is really just making me want to play DA:O again.

oh that Alister, he never takes anything seriously, PLAY ME AGAIN

Dear Commander: My Journey to Save the Galaxy

If you asked me what my favorite movie is I would have to answer Star Wars. 

This gets a variety of responses.

Most often a follow up question: Which Star Wars?

To which the answer is The Empire Strikes Back.  We see our heroes challenged, secrets revealed, pain, suffering, and motivations questioned.  Ending on such a downer leaves us to question how the heroes will triumph in the end, ultimately leading to a more satisfying conclusion.  Plus it's awesome.

Perhaps you think you're being treated Awesome?

 If you asked me what I thought the Best Film of All Time was, the answer would most definitely NOT be Star Wars.  Are they good movies? IV, V, and (arguably) VI are.  The prequel trilogy is full of flaws, but does end rather well.  And I'll still watch it, because it's in the Star Wars Universe, which is itself quite fantastic. But Best Film of All Time? Casablanca? Shawshank Redemption? The Godfather? I really couldn't say.

So why is Star Wars my favorite movie?  Childhood nostalgia is a big part of it.  More importantly, however, is that it remains an excellent example of The Hero's Journey. If you haven't read Joseph Campbell, you really should.  The timeless theme of personal growth is excellently coated in an exciting Space Opera that sings directly to the heart. 

But being who I am, the way my brain and heart work, Star Wars spoke more directly to my motivations. (Thinking on this subject, it might also be the source of my own sense of self disappointment and disappointment with Reality vs Fantasy; but I'm going to focus on the positive here) 

I wanted to be Luke Skywalker.  But I would always want to be Han Solo more.  Han was cool.  I desperately wanted to be cool, because that's what 80s & 90s TV and movies told me I should be.  And since I'm a huge nerd, when I thought of examples of "cool" I immediately thought Han Solo.

I can't really help how cool I am.

But Luke represents the hero in all of us.  You could be on a moisture farm on some backwater planet, or stuck in the suburbs of middle America, or in a Conservative overrun small city in the hills of North Carolina where the idea of being different was looked down upon and talking about your dreams was responded to with false smiles, sideways glances, and patronizing pats on the back. 

Way to close to my childhood. . .

It didn't matter. You, like Luke, could escape that place and go on to save the galaxy!

In all my naiveté as a child, through the cynicism of my teens, and finally my early adulthood, I have come to know a little bit about myself.  I'm a believer.

Not Believer in the religious sense.  Or believer like the Monkees.  

A British Man in a Bow Tie = Teen Girls Stand No Chance

But a believer in what people say.  Teachers all throughout elementary school only encouraged us to follow our dreams.  Maybe other children have dreams of more practical things.  But not me.  I wanted to save the world.  I wanted to fly in Space.  I wanted to be a wizard.  I wanted to achieve great things.  I wanted to save the Galaxy.  I wasn't sure how, I probably needed to become a Jedi and hook up with a rag tag group of Rebels fighting an evil Empire, but my teachers said I could, and so I believed them.

I continued my belief though High School and College.  Though my dreams did change a bit.  Acting.  I loved it, still do love it.  And people do make their living doing it.  Some people make A LOT of money doing it.  Also praise and adoration from thousands of people had a nice ring to it, since "being cool" was still a priority though ironically of much less importance once I "found myself" in theatre.  

It's not nearly as gay as you think.  And yes that's me with the striped pants.

  

But life has a way of not giving you everything you want, especially when networking and self marketing seem to be much more important than acting ability and education.  College programs should really work on that end as much as the other. None the less, I do work in the film & tv industry, so that's something. 

Dreams fulfilled? No.

Happy with where I am? Kind of.

General Happiness? More often than not.  So I can't complain much.

It took a while but I realized that, most likely, I will never be a Jedi. If I save the Galaxy it will have to be through more conventional means.  Creating entertainment that celebrates the human condition and gives hope to the hopeless.  Or being part of a documentary that leads people to think differently.  Perhaps all that recycling and "green" effort will actually make a difference and my actions will lead to saving the planet, altering the course of history from where we destroy the universe, to where we join an interplanetary council of galactic cooperation. Why not?

But since the more fantastic desires of my brain, the promises of the Star Wars story to my childhood, are on the slimmer side of actually happening. (notice I refuse to say impossible, but I'll give you the improbable.) Another means of action has arisen to help satisfy that ever present need.

Video games.

yeah, it's kinda like that

Gamers know exactly what I'm talking about.

Gaming allows us to work together, to achieve seemingly impossible goals, to be rewarded for those goals, and, most importantly, to be given the opportunity. Reality has shown me an amazing lack of opportunities.

Jane McGonigal excellently discusses this in "Reality is Broken", which if you have criticism of the gaming world or gaming culture, you really should read.  Or you can watch this video to get a good idea of what I'm talking about:

Jane also has a desire to apply these gaming principles to solving real world problems, which is fantastic in every way, but just pointing out what games do for you, the player, is what I'm talking about here.

I've played just about every Star Wars game that has been brought into existence.  Even Yoda Stories.  Which while it looks kind of silly, is actually pretty well ranked.

Yoda Frakin Stories

X-Wing & Tie Fighter were definitely among the best gaming experiences that I ever had.  Rogue Squadron was a lot of fun. The Dark Forces saga was damn close to the epic ideals of my childhood imagination.  But nothing quite satisfied that need.  I couldn't quite scratch the itch that I was looking for.  In truth there were very few games out there with the scope that I desired.  Games just weren't that deep.  That big.  Sure the old D&D games were close.  Pools of Radiance and all that. I wouldn't discover Baldur's Gate until later.  But they were not what I needed.  The only games that had almost changed my life were Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy III(VI) on the SNES.  

Cartridges. Load times? What are those?

Then KotOR came out.

It was like scratching an itch for the first time.  So exciting.  So epic.  So Star Wars.

Yes, this story of Ancient Jedi History, with the option of being a Jedi or succumbing to the Dark Side and being a Sith Lord and those choices actually had in game consequences.  

Wow.

And while the statute of limitations is definitely out on spoilers for KotOR, if you haven't played it.  Definitely play it Light Side first, then go Dark Side in your second time through.  Because the Dark Side ending (while not the cannon ending) is so awesome that you will never play light side again.

Then KotOR II came out.  More of the same.  Not as revolutionary, but in continuing with the game play that worked and fixing some issues that didn't quite work, it carried on the goodness that the first installment created.  An "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" type of attitude which was much appreciated by fans. 

Now we're going to jump through time to much nearer to the present. My fat PS3 was on the fritz. Yellow light of death. The horror. The horror! And while I had "fixed" it multiple times.  It was definitely on its last legs. But being in the financial state that I was in, a new system wasn't quite on the horizon.  Throwing out complaints to the social network, a friend of mine said I could have his old XBOX360, it had already produced the Red Ring of Death once, and he was sure it would again, so he was buying a new one.  I could have his old one to try out. I got the system up and running.  Bought a new controller.  Figured out the differences in the console and how to use the interface.  Quite different from the simplicity of the PS3.

A noticeable difference in XBOX and PS3 was the amount of things that the XBOX tried to sell you.  So many things cost money.  Many things that came free with the PS3.  I still hold that that PS3 is a superior system, though I really don't have a console allegiance.  Not like in the old days. 

This was a real thing.

With the new system up and running I decided to head out to ye old game store and look for some used titles about which I had heard good things.  I grabbed Gears of War & Mass Effect.

I had also seen some amazing cosplay of Mass Effects' hero Shepard at PAXEast.  The game had the added bonus of being developed by Bioware, the same folks who delivered KotOR.  So my expectations were high.

A RPG in a space setting with choices that affect how others interact with your character and how the game ends?  This sounds right up my alley.

That was an understatement.

Mass Effect definitely sits as one of my favorite games of all time. 

I was blissfully unaware of some of the "controversies" of this game until after I played it.  Upon character creation I was given the option of Male or Female.

why would you pick DudeShep?

 While the option of a female protagonist is sadly lacking in gaming in general, this option of gender is quite common in my favorite genre the RPG.  Generally it is only an aesthetic choice as the main character, you, is silent and/or just given written dialogue choices to represent your thoughts.  Mass Effect on the other hand is fully voice acted.  You are given options of ideas you would like to express, pick that option, then your Shepard will say a line expressing your idea but different in language than your written options.

I say "your Shepard" because she or he is you, but not you.  You are given more than gender or dialogue choices, but choices of your morality.  Your actions lead to different options, all that slightly change your experience from another player.

That is awesome.

Now back to gender.  I picked "Femshep" because I heard that Jennifer Hale's performance was far superior to that of the "Dudeshep" actor Mark Meer.   That's it.

I wasn't thinking, "finally gender equality in gaming" or "staring at this female toon is far superior to looking at a dude all the time, no homo".

My choice was guided by the fact that I had only heard good things about the acting.

After playing it and reading about the game, these issue start to take the lead in what people talk about. The legend of why Femshep is as amazing a female character goes like this:

Bioware, not expecting a male dominated target market to play as female, decided to not put a lot of effort into the female main character.  They didn't "girl her up" or whatever marketers do.  They had some different romance options, changed "he/him" to "she/her" when people refer to Shep and that was basically it.  And because gender wasn't really an issue, Shepard was the same male or female, it went to the performance of the actors to bring her/him to life. 

Thus FemShep, fully unintentionally, became one of the strongest female characters in the history of fiction.  To me, I will always play FemShep.  Will I change her looks, who she romances, her personality? Of course. But will I play as DudeShep? No.  Shepard is female to me.  There is no other reality.

 

The advertising for Mass Effect 3 disappointed me in this.  You only saw DudeShep.  Marketers, they unintentionally do terrible things sometimes.

Another ingenious bit of game design is the Paragon (good?) or Renegade (bad?) action options that appear during cutscenes.  Paragon with the left shoulder button, Renegade on the right shoulder.  With most people being right handed, the right index finger is quicker than the left, thus Renegade actions are more likely to happen by accident but are also easier.  Much like how the Dark Side is the quicker, easier path compared to that of the Jedi.  Often these actions are killing people, or punching them, or whatnot.  Generally Renegade comes first, but if you wait a moment Paragon will appear and give a much more reasonable outcome.  I'm not so good that I never pressed the Renegade option.  Often the renegade option was WAAAAAY cooler than the Paragon option.  Also, they are not always good or bad, but a way to add some color to your experience. Hitting Renegade after the Kai Leng fight was immensely satisfying. 

I completed the Trilogy today.  I received the third installment for Christmas.  Quite excited about it, I began to play immediately when I got home.  I was warned that it played a lot like ME2, which was fine with me since I very much enjoyed ME2. 

I was late to the game, so I had purposefully avoided reading anything about it, lest a spoiler was unmarked and something was ruined for me.  All I knew was that there was a bunch of hoopla about the ending.  That players had felt mislead by the advertising. (once again, marketers) So Bioware released the "Extended Cut DLC" to resolve these issues.  That was fine with me, because that would be the game that I was going to play.

I'm quite impressed with the entire franchise.  Having played the first game on the XBOX, I could not import my character onto my (new slim) PS3, so there was DLC waiting for me to input the choices that I had made in the first game that would affect the second game.  I'm what we call "a completionist", meaning I play every bit of a game.  Every quest.  Every side quest.  If there is something to explore with a character, I do that too.  In ME2, I only failed one quest, and that was Zaeed's personal revenge quest.  At the time, since I basically play my morality as "Jedi", not quite helping a violent, damaged, morally compromised individual in his personal affairs didn't quite make me feel bad.  So I didn't replay it. I kept it as is.  This wasn't a problem for me in ME2.

These choices, whether you succeeded in your companion's personal quests, whether you gained their loyalty, did have some effect on if they survived the events of ME2 (mine did), but they also had effects on the plot of ME3.

Even though many of your companions are not playable in ME3, their relationship with Shepard is still important.  They have been uplifted, so to speak, by being in your company.  They have become the movers and shakers of the Galaxy, and thus, if they respect you, can aid in saving the galaxy from the Reapers.

Poor Zaeed.  Everyone else survived (sort of) when they would have died had I not played through their quests. Zaeed was shot. I had to choose between two good things to help the war.  If I had succeeded with Zaeed, then he would have lived this encounter, and I would have not only gained him as a supporter of the war (thus increasing my score)but also wouldn't have had to choose between the two things.  

sorry Zaeed

In the end, because I'm a completionist, I had united the galaxy with overwhelming odds of success against the reapers. 

The ending showed a few cut scenes that I imagine would change depending on my choices, but overall I was destined to succeed one way or another.  I've played all three choices, (and found a hidden 4th choice of not choosing at all!), and I'm happy with my first choice of ending.  It's my cannon for the game.  Actually, writing this, I'm in a bit of a quandary, due to the last second of one of the endings.  No spoilers here, but if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.

I do have one regret, and that is that I didn't romance Kelly Chambers in ME2.  I was loyal to Liara, my romance choice from ME1, and did not romance anyone.  I should have, maybe then Kelly would have been saved.  Unfortunately, I took too long in ME2 and Kelly was killed by the Reapers.  Dr. Chakwas & the rest of the crew were rescued.  But poor Yoeman Chambers was lost.

Does this matter?

Well she didn't have to die, it's just the consequences of my actions.

In ME3 there is a wall put up in the Normandy of those that had been lost in the Reaper War.  Kelly Chambers was up there. Along with the racist Ashley Williams whom I let die in the first game in order to save the not racist Kaiden.  But still, the names are on the wall.  If I had killed and/or let others die, their names would have been on that wall as well.  Personalizing the game experience. Poor Kelly. 

lolz

In other games she is alive and well. Maybe she was romanced, maybe she wasn't.  But she lived.  In other games, everyone died, Shepard barely made it out alive, and had a much harder time in ME3.

But for me, being a Jedi and all, almost everyone lived.  Everyone who did survive brought their best to my aid, and in the end, I chose to sacrifice myself to save the galaxy, instead of sacrificing others.

Maybe that's what it takes.  My childhood brain would only accept the Luke Skywalker version of heroism.  Yes he made sacrifices.  Yes he suffered.  But in the end, he saved the galaxy and was there to enjoy it.  It was youthful optimism. 

Mass Effect 3 wasn't perfect, but it was epic and deep.  I made choices.  Those choices did change the game. They changed dialogue.  They shaped my experience, much like in real life.  I saved the galaxy my way.  I hear there is going to be one more DLC for ME3 that is quite emotional.  I hope it will affect the endings, but I doubt it will.  One more mission for Commander Shepard is welcome in my book, plus Seth Green is one of my heroes so more Joker is always a good thing.

Mass Effect represents more of the modern zeitgeist than its Star Wars heritage.  There is more cynicism.  The player has the option of being a complete dick to everyone.  Luke didn't even consider that option. There are dark consequences to good choices. There are unintended consequences.  And in the end, to save the galaxy for the most people, you have to sacrifice yourself, or possibly not. For me there is no Planet Genesis (Star Trek 3 reference for the uninitiated) to bring Shepard back. At least, not my Shepard.  (now i'm conflicted more, I've just discovered some interesting fan theories, and since I did everything right through all three games, I have been rewarded. At least according to theory.)

That is the story of our time.  You make your choices.  Be they good or ill.  You do what you think best.  Whether it is best for you or best for the galaxy is up to you.  My elementary teachers didn't mention that.  Selfishness wasn't given as a possibility.  My Jedi upbringing taught me that selflessness outweighs the selfish.  That in helping others, you are in turn helped.  That you are made richer by those types of actions.  I've carried these lessons with me.  I haven't had many opportunities in reality to sacrifice myself for the greater good, but I do know that in gaming I will always choose to save others and my real life heart feels better because of it.

                                   Listen to this song. Feel like a goddamn Hero